Saturday, June 23, 2012

When Help Harms

We've all been in that place where your loved one /best friend/closest people are in deep trouble or  dealing with depression  and we assume it is your duty to help and stand up for them in their times of trouble ,which is true and considered a good characteristic of a human being. But like most things, too much of anything gets you the opposite result. 

When you help beyond a certain point you fail to realize that in pulling someone out of their shit have too shared their emotional baggage and gotten yourself deep into their shit and are suffering along with them and still empathizing with them.

I've always been a helpful person ,counseled a lot of people intentionally or unknowingly with whatever I knew and could. But today I realize.. there's a very thin line between offering to help and helping someone with so much involvement that they rather tell you that they want some time off. Its like you consider it your eternal purpose to help someone in need, but not learning when to stop leads to hazardous and toxic relationships . I've realized that my feeling good bout the feeling I get after helping someone is not as important as helping the person grow, and I'm still learning. (and you have to admit ...we all feel good after being useful to someone)

When we lend someone some support till the time they need like a plaster helping a bone recover... but prolonged period of helping makes the bone actually weaker and life without the support seems impossible. with words of hope and empathy you never know you could be weakening someone or intruding too much in their personal sphere.I'm sure you're wondering why and how...

Here is a story I learnt way back in school,

'A biology teacher brought in the class a cocoon of a catterpillar which was about to break open. The teacher wanted the kids to realize the important concept of metamorphosis.cracks started to develop on the cucoon and the teacher left the class for a couple of minutes instructing them not to touch and just observe the incredible natural phenomena of the caterpillar transforming itself into a monarch butterfly.
while the teacher was out the students saw the butterfly struggle within the cucoon trying very hard to break it open and release itself into the world. the students emphatized with its condition and decided to help the butterfly by breaking open its cocoon enough for the butterfly to fly out.
As soon as the butterfly came out the children where over joyed but the teacher who had just returned back to the class knew what was coming next..
within a few moments the butterfly fell flat onto the floor and its wings stopped flapping.. in another minute there was no more movement .the butterfly couldn't fly anymore. The children empathized some more ..some even shed tears to see the non flying butterfly . that's when the teacher told them that they were responsible for the butterfly's inability to fly and that it will die soon.
 The cocoon breaking process is one of the most important events in a butterflies life and no matter how painstaking it may seem to you it is necessary for the butterfly to gain strength enough to fly for the rest of its life '

We all have people who are completely dependent on us and we have some people on whom we are completely dependent upon.Take time to analyze what is actually happening... what you are calling a relationship may be just a pure state of dependency and that may be making you or them weaker.
By helping too much you become the clown that now scares instead of making the child laugh ,no matter how much you are purely trying to entertain.
We all have our own battles and we must fight them on our own..and we must also let others fight their own battles...
I admit its tough for you to just leave them to the natural learning process .be their support but dont let them grow on you. Its tough to see your loved one suffer to see them cry ...and you may feel guilty about not being able to offer proper help or advice. Its tough to see your kid fall, your loved one fail, your best friend lose their love , suffering from a breakup or suffering from office politics....

But those are the times the butterfly is breaking out into a new dawn and before your tears dry, they'll be up in the sunlight spreading their bright wings and dressed up in beautiful colors.

Do not deprive someone or even yourself of the natural falling process...and indulging too much into someone else's pain ain't making anything better .Its okay if you don't have words to say or if you don't feel like crying or nothing at all .Its okay if you cannot console has a way of its own..and time does definitely heal you ,them and everyone.

I've got another article on these lines... do read Pain is necessary 

Do offer someone a helping hand...dont carry them on your back,do take help from someone but don't run a race on their track.

If you are in any kind of pain while you read this...remember you are just trying to break open the cocoon ..soon you'll complete your metamorphosis .
Have high and keep coming back to Ram's realizations

Image courtsey: (Thank you so much for the images)

Thursday, May 24, 2012

Two Minutes Before Heaven

My neighbor came to my door and knocked with his weak hands and as I opened the door… he smiled with too much effort and though he couldn’t walk he came up to me and congratulated me for my new job…Amma had told him…and then he said.. “Mujhe Peda nai dia”(you did not give me sweets) and then he laughed and said im just joking…all the best for your job. 

I realized that this man standing before me was my one time maths coach ..The very strict person that he was..I remembered how strong and well built he was and how all the children used to be scared of him..General Manager of a textile mill …successful & rich and a social person .I was filled with guilt because I hadn’t taken time to speak to him in years… and now I suddenly realized that he had grown very very old too soon..His face now suffers from partial paralysis, the once fit Sabnis uncle whose gait used to instill fear in people now walks baby steps so that he doesn’t fall ...he can’t hear like he used to… operated on the heart twice after 60. He loved talking about science and politics but no one would speak to him about all that now. Every day I used to watch him sitting by the window with a face that yearned for someone to stop by and speak to him.

I realized I hadn’t called my grandmother since long.. I called her up.. I told her Im coming to meet her and she mocked me for remembering her after long.. I said I'll make up for it and she said okay come soon..more importantly come safe…don’t ride the bike to fast..I reached and her smile was different ..I sat down with her and asked her how she was and how does she feel now..and what started with just another “im fine” flowed into a flood of varied emotions into words and I just sat there admiring the strength of  the 74 year old old snow white haired , soft wrinkled skinned lady. I explained to her about my work profile in the most basic tamil that I could talk..And I could see her face filled with excitement as I told her about each process and she loved the fact that she could understand what I was doing… she felt proud about me and made me some coffee I hadn’t had in months before I left

Below is a poem written by and old, weak , lonely ( extremely powerful , learned , rich in the past ) man.This man used to be and still is a mentor to my friend and my guide hiren bhatt..Hiren called him up for a casual “ how are you doing?”And the man replied to him in a poem..

"Each morning I arise
Look at the blue skies
The paper is on the table
To read English I am able 
I search my name in the obituary column 
but my name is not there
My name is not there 
means I am not dead
So i have a hearty Breakfast
and go back to bed"

I realized I have been taking them for granted…as if they’ll live as long as I do… I don’t know when il wake up and not have neighbor uncle sit on that window waving to me wen I leave for work.. or when my grandma would feel proud of me again..

One day there would be no more screaming from that man who stood at the second floor as we broke his glasses playing cricket…Its scary when you think this degree of loneliness, boredom and sadness could come to you some day … it would be you or your parents at the window yearning for someone one to talk to. Don’t waste time..don't take them for granted them up …meet them ..tell them how much u love them and how beautiful they look …watch them blush and show u  their old photographs, ask them if they need something and may be buy groceries for them…
We can always go late for a pizza party or a beer..and when they blabber wisdom you don’t need just nod ..shut up ,smile and lisn… coz u never know if these two minutes will come again…and when u mite need these two minutes when you are old.


The two minutes you give them could be their last and they could re-live their entire lives with you… Lets not make them feel they are alone and waiting to die… lets give them a reason to live, to talk to us..
No need to go to an old age home to feel good and make them feel good..we can start at home for starters .

IF YOU HAVE AN OLD GRANDPARENT /PARENT/ OLD NEIGHBOUR/TEACHER …call them or meet them if possible today and you will realize what this blog post is about.
Thanks for reading and keep coming back to Rams realizations

Image courtesy :

Wednesday, March 14, 2012

Biking Diaries :The Point of Action

Good day fellow Realizer !
I must apologize for being off the blog-o-sphere for about 4 months now..I'll be lying if i say I was really busy..but yea I've been really busy thinking about loads of silly things (life ,career,blah blah)...and when you do that you realize that you aren't realizing anything.. and then I came across this quote by  William Shakespeare 

"There is nothing either good or bad but thinking makes it so." 

That quote ...followed by a hate mail (called ufff mail by her) from one of my readers...made me realize that it was high time I stop thinking and start  realizing again! Its like when you are so sucked into doing what you have to forget what you want to and I wanted to write since so long. 

I ride about 70 odd kilometers everyday to my work place and back, and when I'm not silly racing with some other foolish brother or looking at some good looking female... (Trust me Traffic moves Suddenly slower when you have a nice looking female riding a scooter in the middle of the road... Most people then remember they have a side view mirror .The top view of the road seems some what like this) 
yea where was I? ..biking makes me wonder if its teaching me a new lesson each day...and sometimes I wish I could records my thoughts as and when I feel like.

If there's one thing I've learnt most from my bike and what I believe separates good riders from the is 'Decision making' .. the Point Of Action.

There are times ,like you see the diagram here where you either need to overtake through the left or through the right because you have a big big truck at the center of the road and you can barely see whats ahead and you go through the 'Moment of Confusion' and in the blink of a second (oh yea do read BLINk! by Malcom Gladwell ...awesome stuff) you make  decision ,which decides how far and fast do u get  to your destination ! 

That kinda explains how we make choices in our lives .We don't know what lies ahead but we still need to make one.

The faster you ride the quicker the decisions your need to come.... if if you wanna get ahead really must  learn to make decisions really fast... 

Its not always you make the right decision...At times we make wrong choices and end up getting stuck and stagnant and the car in front of you just wont go any faster...That's when you need to know ...that you need correction
once you realize having made a wrong one...

Brake down ! Decelerate ! and change route! else you mite bang in to some car and never get home! 

For those who don't ride bikes and the above makes no sense to you:

I read about a curve some years ago called the Inflection curve... and today it makes more sense to me .. The point of inflection is the point at which the decisions are made ..There are many inflection points or Points of Action , as I call them ,in life and they shape our relationships, businesses and our future.

Life is the sum of all your choices after all"

That's it for now..Make decisions and make them fast because I believe  ..
"There are no good and bad decisions...only decisions you learn from and decisions that make you happy. "-Ram Santosh.

Thank yourself for all the choices you made in the past that has got you here today..its a nice feeling to realize you have come a long way.

Special message to all bikers: Ride to Commute not to Compete ..I've seen the best of riders and the best of their ride safe ! cheers and keep coming back to Ram's Realizations.
Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...

Readers Ki Boli :